These funny quotes about work, love, friends and family will have you saying, “So true!” because, well, they are. Whether you’re looking for funny quotes to make a point, enliven a presentation, give a toast, or just for your own amusement, you’ve come to the right place. This collection of funny quotes provides an array of ways to trigger that smile and turn around someone’s lousy mood. (Even if that someone is you!) We’ve got funny quotes about love, marriage, aging, parenting, and so many more relatable topics.
Take a much-needed break from your day to check out these 50 funny quotes we found in stand-up comedy, books, plays, celebrity Twitter and interviews, as well as movies and TV shows, guaranteed to give you a quick chuckle.
Looking for a good laugh? We’ve got you covered with a huge list of funny quotes to make you laugh out loud. If you’re having a bad day, or if someone you love needs a little cheering up, humor can help ease the tension and create a little pocket of joy amid life’s stresses.
So enjoy these 50 funny quotes, sayings, and observations and get laughing today.
1. I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Anonymous
2. “Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.
Steven Wright
3. You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.
Joan Rivers
4. “I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.”
Jimmy Kimmel
5. Marriage is like an unfunny, tense version of Everybody Loves Raymond, but it doesn’t last 22 minutes. It lasts forever.
Pete (Paul Rudd), Knocked Up
6. I’m not insane. My mother had me tested.
Sheldon Cooper (Jim Parsons), The Big Bang Theory
7. Lucy: “There’s just two things keeping me from dancing in that show.” Fred: “Your feet?
Lucy (Lucille Ball) and Fred Mertz (William Frawley),I Love Lucy
8. Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.
Anonymous
9. If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey), Ace Ventura: Pet Detective
10. I’m at a place in my life when errands are starting to count as going out.
Anonymous
11. “I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.
Zach Galifianakis
12. Trying is the first step toward failure.
Homer Simpson, The Simpsons
13. Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.
Groucho Marx
14. The whole purpose of places like Starbucks is for people with no decision-making ability whatsoever to make six decisions just to buy one cup of coffee. Short, tall, light, dark, caf, decaf, low-fat, non-fat. So people who don’t know what they’re doing, or who on earth they are can, for only $2.95, get not just a cup of coffee but an absolutely defining sense of self.
Joe Fox (Tom Hanks), You’ve Got Mail
15. From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.
Jarod Kintz
16. Cal: “You are really pushing my buttons today.”
Becky: “Which one is ‘mute’?
Waitress, the Musical
17. “The key to faking out the parents is the clammy hands. It’s a good non-specific symptom; I’m a big believer in it. A lot of people will tell you that a good phony fever is a dead lock, but you get a nervous mother, you could wind up in a doctor’s office. That’s worse than school. You fake a stomach cramp, and when you’re bent over, moaning and wailing, you lick your palms. It’s a little childish and stupid, but then, so is high school.”
Ferris Bueller (Matthew Broderick), Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
18. “Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.”
Oscar Wilde
19. My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look.”
Halley Reed (Mia Farrow), Crimes and Misdemeanors
20.Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
Robin Williams
21. Never do anything out of hunger. Not even eating.”
Frank Semyon (Vince Vaughn), True Detective
22. A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.
Dave Barry
23. When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.
Erma Bombeck
24. There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.
Jerry Seinfeld
25. If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.
Andrew A. Rooney
26. Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.”
Jeff Valdez
27. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re okay, then it’s you.
Rita Mae Brown
28. If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.
Dorothy Parker
29. People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
Joan Rivers
30. Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
Edgar Bergen
31. By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.
George Burns
32. If you can’t be kind, at least be vague.
Judith Martin
33. Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.
Brooke Shields
34. Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.
H. L. Mencken
35. I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
Richard Dawkins
36. I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
Bertrand Russell
37. Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race.
H. G. Wells
38. Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
Joey Adams
39. I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often – but I’m well preserved.
Rose Kennedy
40. Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.
Dave Barry
41. A day without laughter is a day wasted.
Charlie Chaplin
42. People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
Isaac Asimov
43. When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.
Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh
44. As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
45. Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.
David Letterman
46. The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen
47. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
George Burns
48. When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
George Burns
49. Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.
Jackie Mason
50. The only bathroom law I’m interested in is one that bans loud sighing.
Conan O’Brien