There’s just something about getting a good laugh in that can make your day a million times better. If you’re looking for funny quotes to make you smile, to give a toast with, or to send to a loved one, you’ve come to the right place. We’ve curated the best funny quotes and sayings that cover everything from everyday life to relationships and even work! Adding that extra dose of joy and positivity with humor will put a lighthearted spin on life that shouldn’t be taken too seriously.
Bring a smile to your face with these Short Funny Quotes – you will find laughter, humor, and a bit of wisdom in these. Our collection includes funny inspirational and motivational quotations said by some famous people and others. We all need humor in life it helps the challenges that we all sometimes face!
Since not all of us are blessed with the ability to throw a joke the right way, we thought of helping you out by giving you these ridiculously short funny quotes. You can write them down and use them whenever you’re attending a social event or if you simply just want to make yourself laugh. Enjoy!
1. Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.
Unknown
2. If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
3. Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
Jim Carrey
4. Everybody wishes they could go to heaven but no one wants to die.
Unknown
5. Don’t knock on death’s door. Hit the doorbell and run. He hates that
Unknown
6. Life always offers you a second chance. It’s called tomorrow.
Unknown
7. I ran into my ex today…put it in reverse and did it again!!!
Unknown
8. A smile is an inexpensive way to change your looks.
Charles Gordy
9. The truth hurts, and so would you if you were stretched as much.
Unknown
10. A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
Phyllis Diller
11. Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else
Will Rogers
12. It is sad to grow old but nice to ripen.
Brigitte Bardot
13. Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
Dale Carnegie
14. Everyone with telekinetic powers, raise my hand.
Emo Philips
15. All men are equal before fish.
Herbert Hoover
16. Life is hard. After all, it kills you.
Katharine Hepburn
17. Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.
David Letterman
18. When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
George Burns
19. There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.
Jerry Seinfeld
20. Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.
Bill Maher
21. Friends are God’s way of apologizing to us for our families.
Anonymous
22. If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
George Carlin
23. Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
24. If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
George Carlin
25. Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.
Addison H. Hallock
26. I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours
Jerome K. Jerome
27. Taking naps sounds so childish. I prefer to call them horizontal life pauses.
Unknown
28. The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
Abraham Lincoln
29. Always remember that you are unique – just like everybody else.
Unknown
30. I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger.
Unknown
31. Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.
Mark Twain
32. To quote Shakespeare: ‘Party thine ass off!
Unknown
33. Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.
Leslie Nielsen
34. The reward for good work is more work.
Francesca Elisia
35. Pain is temporary, GPA is forever
Unknown
36. Age is of no importance unless you’re a cheese.
Billie Burke
37. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.
Unknown
38. The best things in life are actually really expensive.
Unknown
39. A clear conscience is a sure sign of a bad memory.
Mark Twain
40. You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
Steven Wright
41. Bad decisions make good stories.
Ellis Vidler
42. Dreams are like rainbows. Only idiots chase them.
Unknown
43. I cannot afford to waste my time making money.
Louis Agassiz
44. Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app, they’ll start using it.
Unknown
45. My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.
Unknown
46. A best friend is like a four-leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have.
Unknown
47. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure.
UNknown
48. Sorry for the mean, awful, accurate things I said.
Unknown
49. I was an innocent being, then my best friends came along.
Unknown
50. Best friends loan out DVDs knowing that they’ll never be seen again.
UNknown
51. “I know I’m a handful but that’s why you got two hands.”
Unknown
52. “Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.”
Truman Capote
53. “If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.”
Betty Reese
54. “Taking naps sounds so childish. I prefer to call them horizontal life pauses.”
Unknown
55. “I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
Unknown
56. “If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?”
Unknown
57. “A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.”
Phyllis Diller
58. “Smile, it’s free therapy.”
Douglas Horton
59. “Before you put on a frown, make absolutely sure there are no smiles available.”
James M. Beggs
60. “You’re never fully dressed without a smile.”
Martin Charnin
61. “The living should smile, for the dead cannot.”
George R.R. Martin
62. “Do what makes you happy, be with who makes you smile, laugh as much as you breathe, and love as long as you live.”
Rachel Ann Nunes
63. “Put a smile on your face. Don’t sit in the waiting room of life. Go do something, happily.”
Frederick Lenz
64. “Be happy. It really annoys negative people.”
Ricky Gervais
65. “I just like to smile. Smiling’s my favourite.”
Buddy The Elf
66. “The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.”
E. E. Cummings
67. “A smile confuses an approaching frown.”
Anonymous
68. “The best measure of a man’s honesty isn’t his income tax return. It’s the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.”
Arthur C. Clarke
69. “Start every day with a smile and get it over with.”
W.C. Fields
70. “Do not listen to those who weep and complain, for their disease is contagious.”
Og Mandino
71. “Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.”
Rita Rudner
72. “People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
A. A. Milne
73. “My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.”
Caroline Rhea
74. “I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
Rodney Dangerfield
75. “Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.”
John Wayne
76. “Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.”
Bertrand Russell
77. “Research has shown that the best way to be happy is to make each day happy.”
Deepak Chopra
78. “I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.”
Charles Lamb
79. “To be happy, we must not be too concerned with others.”
Albert Camus
80. “Happy people plan actions, they don’t plan results.”
Dennis Waitley
81. “I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.”
Charles Lamb
82. “Every time something pops in my head, I think twice about it and I do it anyway.”
Gilbert Gottfried
83. “I didn’t give you the finger, you earned it.”
BIll Murray
84. “He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.”
Charles de Gaulle
85. “Most of us don’t need a psychiatric therapist as much as a friend to be silly with.”
Robert Brault
86. “Nothing you wear is more important than your smile.”
Connie Stevens
87. “A simple smile. That’s the start of opening your heart and being compassionate to others.”
Dalai Lama
88. “People seldom notice old clothes if you wear a big smile.”
Lee Mildon
89. “Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.”
Mark Twain
90. “A smile is a facelift that’s in everyone’s price range.”
Tom Wilson
91. “After 30, a body has a mind of its own.”
Bette Midler
92. “The robbed that smiles, steals something from the thief.”
William Shakespeare
93. “When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile.”
Unknown
94. “A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.”
Phyllis Diller
95. “Death smiles at us all. All a man can do is smile back.”
Gladiator
96. “You’re never fully dressed without a smile”
Annie
97. “Just for today, smile a little more.”
James A. Murphy
98. “A smile is the chosen vehicle of all ambiguities.”
Herman Melville
99. “A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.”
Tim Allen
100. “I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.”
Rita Rudner
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